A new low

….Just when I thought it wasn’t possible.

I still don’t feel I have hit rock bottom, solely because somewhere in me I still have coping skills. Because I know my husband loves me, and because I have friends and family who care about me. I know the dogs need me. And even though I hate my job, they’d notice if I stopped showing up. I do exist, I am real, I do have a purpose, I do need to be here.

I just need to keep telling myself these things.

I think I’m ready for medication. I’ve been sacrificing my mental health for the sake of a baby that still doesn’t exist. I don’t have a doctor and I don’t particularly want to see one but I am at the end of my rope here. I am so exhausted and I am tired of crying all the time.

We didn’t get good news this week at the doctor. It’s all related to sperm/semen. I am beyond frustrated that our doctor dismissed the initial data. he should have gotten us into looking at that sooner. They had no problem taking my blood and giving me hormones, but the problem wasn’t with my body.

I hate that it’s him and not me, because I can’t control it. I can’t do anything.

It’s looking like surgery to remove a varicose vein.

So we stall again. They cancelled my IUI today. Four blood draws, one prescription that makes me cry and have lightening headaches and hot flashes…all for nothing. They called me about 45 minutes before I was supposed to go. The sperm count was next to nothing.

Maybe now someone will listen.

In the meantime, I got over my blood draw phobia. I still need to lie down, but I went four days in a row!

I don’t write here….

I’m overwhelmed by nothing working, nothing changing. I am constantly on edge and I feel claustrophobic. I’m trying to hang on for something to get better. I Have no control over my own family (or lack thereof). I can’t breathe I can’t sleep. I feel weak, worthless, ashamed.

What’s New?

Well, we bought a house.

I wish I could say it’s distracting me from infertility, but we also started going to the RE.

All my tests are fucking normal. ALL OF THEM. My blood work was described as “phenomenal”. WTF?

The doctor isn’t even super concerned about the semen analysis, hopefully that means we can figure some way for me to get pregnant.

Meanwhile, everyone else I have ever met in my entire life is pregnant, whether they meant to be or not.

I’m still here.

We made our first RE appointment for next month.

So this is real. We are infertile.

At first I felt excited, that at least some progress might be made.

Now I am feeling very scared that I won’t be strong enough for all the tests, procedures, surgeries.

I have been terrible to be around. So much crying, so short. Yesterday I barely made it off the couch.

I have often struggled with feelings of emptiness, worthlessness, not being good enough. This is bringing it to a whole new level.

I went into my career field for its flexibility – I can find a job anywhere, and there are opportunities for part time or flexible hours. I figured it would make sense for when I have a family. But it’s unfulfilling. Particularly the industry I am in right now.

I am holding onto this job because I will have the flexibility for treatments, the opportunity to work from home as needed. But it’s draining that last bit of life out of me. I can’t make myself care anymore.

I just want a baby, I need to feel that I have a purpose, that my life is worth living. Right now, there’s nothing here for me.

Stalled Out.

We had the house inspection a week ago. There were some things that need to be fixed before we proceed (which means we need to renegotiate on some of them I’m sure). I don’t understand why it’s taking a week, I would like some more objective information on what is going on.

The results of the semen analysis were not good….my OB didn’t seem to understand them too much (I know that’s not her job) and she definitely didn’t understand my charts, so we are tabling anything further with her. She gave my husband a referral to a urologist, but we don’t want to schedule anything until after we close on the house (so one stall is further stalling the other).

At this point I am trying to just have no optimism about either, because I am tired of feeling disappointed. I am 8 days past ovulation and I am grumpy, tired, crampy, and irritable, which means my period is coming.

I’m not a person who believes that I am entitled to anything, and I am not a person who thinks I deserve kids more than somebody else. But I am having trouble understanding what I’ve done to make me less deserving.

Moving Forward

We are buying a house! This has been a welcome distraction from trying to conceive. It’s exciting and scary. It’s OUR house, it just seems right, just waiting for some renegotiations after we found some issues at the inspection today. We could be in by Thanksgiving!!!

From the TTC side of things, I got my cycle day 3 bloodwork done a couple weeks ago. I didn’t faint! I went all alone, I am very proud of myself and am hoping I can say “goodbye” to my phobia. It helped that I could go in the afternoon and didn’t have to fast.
My husband did his semen analysis on Friday and we are waiting for results. I have a follow up appointment on Friday and am hoping I can get 7DPO bloodwork done next week. I really think progesterone is my issue. I am hoping nothing is wrong with the SA, it will be good if we can just concentrate on my issues.

This feels better than treading water without a plan.

The best part of the day

I have struggled with insomnia since I was a child. When I was eight, I didn’t know what insomnia meant, but I had it. I would toss and turn and cry. I would watch the clock and KNOW if I fell asleep at that very instant, I would have to get through the next day with only “x” hours of sleep.

I always feel sad for that part of my childhood, that I didn’t know how badly I was suffering. I didn’t know how to communicate it clearly to my parents, so it was never addressed. I don’t really know what I was actually worrying or stressing about. I clearly was not a “normal” child.

I get hit with bouts of insomnia throughout my adulthood. I still get into bed at a normal time, and try to stay there until the normal time of waking. I read once that lying still in bed is equal to a certain percentage of sleep, so I try to tell myself doing that for 8 hours should be equal to 4 hours (I can’t remember the stupid equation anymore, I’m sure it was purely anecdotal). In June, I got an ear infection and couldn’t sleep one night because I couldn’t put my head down. This spawned several weeks of insomnia, I was starting to wonder if it was going to trigger some sort of manic phase. I finally obtained a small amount of marijuana and doped myself back into an acceptable sleep regime.

So yes, the best part about (my) depression? I don’t get insomnia. I can sleep for days. I don’t need weed, alcohol, melatonin, benadryl, or anything else. I can escape from everything that’s bothering me. I got a good nine hours last night, nothing intruded on me at all until the alarm went off. My first thought was about how my stomach was hurting (I believe I am on about day 20 of an IBS flare up, so I am waking most days with stomach pain). It was then about how long until I could get back into bed, into my safe place, and just sleep.

It’s 9:52 am. Can I go back to bed soon?

Every Day is worse than the One before

My life is feeling pretty pointless, definitely unfulfilled.

I suck at my job. I still need the paycheck. But it couldn’t be more redundant, more frustrating, more disappointing. I travel to shit places. I deal with the same problems over and over. Month after month. I am tired of all of it. What I am doing contributes absolutely nothing good to anything or anyone in the world. I am contributing to a few owners getting more money. That’s it.

If I could be a mom, I would at least have some self worth in my personal life.

I have nothing. I suck at everything.

I can’t even think of a single selling point on a resume.

Not ok…

It’s not ok to feel this way.

It’s not ok to do nothing about it.

I have been googling therapists for at least a year, but I can’t bring myself to go back. I don’t want to rehash old issues, I don’t want to talk about my childhood, or my teenage years, or even my twenties.

Most of the time i can’t even identify with the person I was a few minutes, hours, days, or weeks ago. I don’t identify with my 20-something self. The only thing I have in common with that person is that I suffered from depression then too.

I know i am doing this to myself. Running once a week does not make me a runner. Slacking on my work does not make me overworked. Having a weedy out of control garden does not make me a gardener. Making a nice meal once a week does not make me a cook. Letting David do everything does not make me a partner. Disinterest in sex does not make me a good wife.

I try FORCING myself to do things, in the hopes of feeling better, but the feeling does not last, or it feels fake, or i forget about it, or something.

I tried saying September is a NEW month and that I would do BETTER. I said I would run more. I ran 3 times. I said I would have more sex, we have not had sex in 2 weeks as of today. Maybe if I worked out or cooked better meals i wouldn’t feel so ugly all the time.  I said I won’t drink hard alcohol but i had 2 martinis yesterday and 3 martinis the day before.

I continue to fail myself then feel sorry for myself. I should be feeling sorry for everyone around me.

We still cant’ get pregnant. I got paperwork for blood work, but i panicked about going. I just picture the person drawing my blood slipping, and ripping me apart…a million dirty needles being dropped on me.

Another bad day

Crying. The thoughts in my head are not ok.

Not happy and tired of feeling trapped. I keep thinking something will give, but it’s not happening.

I can only see the negative, such an ungrateful little bitch.

I hate this person. I don’t even want to be near myself.